What I Really Want

Suddenly, I felt I lose myself. I do not know what i really want and where is my direction. I had not faced such problem before as I always thought myself is good in planning my own future. But when the reality comes, I feel that I am useless and coward to face problem. Yes, I am not brave enough. When we are still young, we will follow what the reality want use to do, like going kindergarten, primary school, secondary school and the first decision of life had to be made which is whether you are going to continue study if you are flying color in academic or you choose to step in working community to earn money. I choose to continue my study in university, not because I have a flying color result, is I am lucky to be distributed to a nice course which is Materials Science. It was tough but not too difficult and now I score it as a second upper class. Not bad huh? After this, what should I do? Enter working society or continue further master study? I do want to earn money earlier but I wish to earn more money in the future. So I made a decision that I will further my study without any working experience (just want to save more time).

It is not easy as what you want to do and you can do it. I faced lots of troubles although some are light and some are heavy. I was nothing to do when my best friend who negotiate me for further study misunderstanding with me. I do not know what happen actually but he just ignore me and saying I am a poison man. I really upset but still I keep asking him what had happened actually, why will he suddenly change his mind to pursue PhD. Another trouble is I found out my master title is related to medical field, I need to study lots of journal to find out what is the materials I am going to do research on it. It is really tiring although I know I have to keep it on. Sometimes, I just hope someone who can share me his shoulder, encourage me always, care me and that was enough to me.

Finally I finish my degree and now I am having my last semester which is industrial training for 3 months. I was so excited as finally i could enter an office and have my own desk like what we see in TV. But what I forget is I am just an intern, a trainee. I had been changing seat for 4 times and I do not even have a seat when I enter my department. After 1 month of internship period, I have my own computer and own desk.  I have to learn a lot of things included new knowledge, communication skill, time management and learn how to appreciate your rest time. Why do I say so? It is just because your working hour is long but your rest time is less. When you are really busy until you are exhausted, you really hope you can rest longer but the time still running like Liu Xiang, fast and you can't stop it. I met different styles of people in my working place. On of my colleague who is also a trainee always compete with me. He seems like little jealous about me as our supervisor always teach me lots of things and then only ask me to teach him. He is good in academic as I found that his campus environment always in competing mode. That's why he is so good in memory. What I noticed is he is not humble enough. Besides working, we are good friends. It is really an special experience I learn in workplace's communication.  I have to think free and easy when people urging or treating you bad, if not, I will get angry everyday and keep asking "why those people always like a shit".

Recently, I face my biggest crisis which is financial problem. I must guess it earlier as I bought lots of branded stuffs before. The reason why will I fall into this crisis is after I bought a new DSLR, a pair of dumbell and my future trip to Vietnam. I don't have enough money to pay it all as my cash in hand is not enough. That is why I have to see people face as I borrow money from my sister. Ishhh!!!! Really poor now. I am tired of getting so many stress although I know I can manage it. But I lost my initiative. I need a lover as soon as possible. I need his encouragement, his caring, his shoulder. Lord, can you please give me one? Haha~ I know finding a suitable and long-term relationship is not easy, as my status is not acceptable by everyone. By the way, I need to cheer myself up, find back my own initiative without rely on anyone.